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Fun fact: I deal with depression. It started when I was 13, became worse over time, and for the last few years, it’s been damn near omnipresent.
It culminated not too long ago with some relationship issues. Things became miserable and I turned inward to fix them.
It didn’t work. Here’s why:
My mom likes to say depression is anger turned inward, which I think is a valid assertion for many people. However, she has turned it into a mantra, a parrot on my shoulder, a constant nagging in my head which tells me, between the lines, that my depression is my anger turned inward.
I think the problem with this lies in the fact that my depression is not always a result of my thoughts. I have tried many times using the outside-in angle in solving my problems. It simply fails once my depressive states start to involve other people.
The most recent example, and the situation that sparked this post, has been with my husband. In fighting, we have both said nasty things to each other, but nothing he has said has been so damaging as his continuous assertion over the years that I am angry. Without fail our arguments ultimately turn to him saying something along the lines of, “Fine. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” At first, I saw this as passive-aggressive behavior to make me stop fighting back and start coddling him.
I recently realized he isn’t shouldering blame. There is no blame to shoulder, because I never exclusively blame him, and I certainly hadn’t blamed him in that argument. He is asserting in this that I am the angry one. That I give out blame. Until now, I had believed him, or else hadn’t really listened.
I am not the angry one. I am not the problem.
From very young ages, we are taught to accept responsibility, look out for others first, and to see our own issues before we tell others about theirs. This is valid and a great guideline.
But what isn’t in the rulebooks is what to do when shouldering the blame means lying to yourself.
Sometimes, you’re not the problem. In being honest with ourselves, we need to recognize when we’ve done no wrong. We need to realize when our personalities aren’t the equivalent of a temper tantrum. We need to see that conflict is not always a result of our flaws or flawed actions.
Think of others and recognize your responsibility. But don’t take on more negativity than you deserve. This is a long road and I see a lot of bumps. But I’ll let you know when I’m well enough down it to share my experiences.
