I don’t even feel the need to discuss the map metaphor – the one in which you establish where you are, where you’re going, and how to get there.

Image by lululemon athletica via Flickr

I like to think the reasoning for this is obvious. Why reinvent the wheel? Rather, what I want to do is help you in applying the wheel to your own life.

Motivational speakers and self-help guides like to talk about the map of your life and how to create it, but they make a fundamental mistake. The mistake is not detrimental to many of the people who seek self-help, but it does become problematic for those who have not sought copious amounts of therapy.

The problem? They neglect the beginning.

In developing a vision, whether you’re swallowing The Secret as gospel or simply putting together advice from valid (or what you consider valid) sources, you have probably learned about some form of the dream board or the future sketch.

The idea is basically the same: you put together pieces of the puzzle that make up an abstract version of you. This you has accomplished meaningful goals, is in a positive place, and, whether optimistic, pessimistic, or realistic, has overcome odds. You think about what you are wearing, what you eat, who you know, and what you do… The picture should be as complete as possible and often changes over time as you find new things you’d like to include.

The exercise usually culminates in a typically shorter exercise of putting together a picture of yourself now. This can sometimes even be literal, as in before shots pre-weight-loss. Often, the exercise is flawed because it is so understated. Teachers cite the importance of knowing where you are and where you want to be, but it seems nobody would have “fun” painting a portrait of misery or, at best, dissatisfaction.

But self-help is not about fun. It is about being constructive and gaining access to the reigns in order to take control of your life again.

So I want you to do something for me: I want you to paint a picture of yourself now in as much or more detail as the portrait of the future you. The important has been stated in other lessons, but I want to focus on it for this one: you have to know where you are to figure out how to get where you want to be. The starting point is just as important as the light at the end of the tunnel.

Sticking with the map metaphor, you may vaguely know you want to end up in New York City. Teachers will tell you to pin point down to the address.

But no set of directions is complete without a starting point. Teachers want you to discover whether you’re facing north, south, east, or west. Some even go so far as to make you mention that you are in Colorado. I want you to have an address.

Where are you?

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Fun fact: I deal with depression. It started when I was 13, became worse over time, and for the last few years, it’s been damn near omnipresent.

It culminated not too long ago with some relationship issues. Things became miserable and I turned inward to fix them.

It didn’t work. Here’s why:

My mom likes to say depression is anger turned inward, which I think is a valid assertion for many people. However, she has turned it into a mantra, a parrot on my shoulder, a constant nagging in my head which tells me, between the lines, that my depression is my anger turned inward.

I think the problem with this lies in the fact that my depression is not always a result of my thoughts. I have tried many times using the outside-in angle in solving my problems. It simply fails once my depressive states start to involve other people.

The most recent example, and the situation that sparked this post, has been with my husband. In fighting, we have both said nasty things to each other, but nothing he has said has been so damaging as his continuous assertion over the years that I am angry. Without fail our arguments ultimately turn to him saying something along the lines of, “Fine. I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” At first, I saw this as passive-aggressive behavior to make me stop fighting back and start coddling him.

I recently realized he isn’t shouldering blame. There is no blame to shoulder, because I never exclusively blame him, and I certainly hadn’t blamed him in that argument. He is asserting in this that I am the angry one. That I give out blame. Until now, I had believed him, or else hadn’t really listened.

I am not the angry one. I am not the problem.

From very young ages, we are taught to accept responsibility, look out for others first, and to see our own issues before we tell others about theirs. This is valid and a great guideline.

But what isn’t in the rulebooks is what to do when shouldering the blame means lying to yourself.

Sometimes, you’re not the problem. In being honest with ourselves, we need to recognize when we’ve done no wrong. We need to realize when our personalities aren’t the equivalent of a temper tantrum. We need to see that conflict is not always a result of our flaws or flawed actions.

Think of others and recognize your responsibility. But don’t take on more negativity than you deserve. This is a long road and I see a lot of bumps. But I’ll let you know when I’m well enough down it to share my experiences.

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And in times when things go unexpectedly wrong, there is always something to be learned from having failed. So I dedicate this article (appropriately around Thanksgiving) to being thankful for our mistakes and failures.

I am learning

I learn every single day. Sometimes, it is because I made a point to learn. Other times, it happens unexpectedly (much like failure, success is often somewhat unplanned). For some mysterious reason, I learn something new, either about a topic, or about myself, every single day. This is a natural talent of the introspective and the analytical, but for me, it took a while to develop.

Holding on too hard

I used to hang on to the past very dramatically. I would never let go of anything – I was like a hoarder of memories, thoughts, feelings, and comforts. Every time I got upset, I would make myself a big bowl of macaroni and cheese. If I did not do this, I would feel empty, like I was going to implode upon myself.

And then things changed. I stopped thinking about what I needed to eat and started thinking about why I needed to eat. Things became different, suddenly. I realized I was not filling a void in myself, but was rather stuffing my feelings down into the void, simulating a feeling of fullness.

I came to terms with that. It was work.

Failing

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I made myself fail a few months later. I deliberately found something (piano) that I new I would absolutely never be good at. I knew I would never enjoy it – would never be passionate about it – and knew I lacked talent. So I set out to do what I had wanted to do for a long time: transcribe Tori Amos’s live performance of “Iieee” by ear.

I failed – miserably. And that was okay, because I did not think I was going to succeed. I let myself down easily. I didn’t eat macaroni and cheese. I merely told myself, “You tried,” and accepted it as what it was.

Failing harder

It wasn’t until a few months later that I actually ended up failing. In fact, I really failed this time, and it was completely unexpected. It was about two weeks before the end of the semester and my Trigonometry teacher pulled me aside.

“You’re failing,” he said.

“I know,” I replied. I didn’t really know.

“Why have you not been doing your homework?”

“I thought I had been.”

“I’m showing straight zeros for the past two weeks.”

I almost melted into the floor.

I resigned myself to my chair and thought about what was about to happen. I was going to lose my privileges at home. I was going to miss out on getting the oft dreamed-about college education at an Ivy League school. I had failed.

Regression

I turned back into my old self. I beat myself up. I scorned myself for not being perfect. I didn’t realize it, but I had given up on my dream of college long ago, and so the beatings continued in harsher quality due to giving up and giving in. I had promised myself I would never give up on myself – my dreams. And yet, I had.

Calm

After the storm, I meditated on what had happened and why it had happened. Why had I allowed myself to overreact?

I met with my teacher and principal and convinced them to place me in an easier class.

Then I talked to my counselor, who told me the one best piece of advice I’ve ever received:

“It’s okay to fail.”

Four words. They changed my life.

Why Failure Rules

It is the absence of failure that tends to lead to huge failures. The Roman empire seemed perfect for so long. Then it collapsed in a very short time period.

Sand is an interesting thing. It tends to mound up when it is just poured unevenly in one place.

How do you get sand to fill in the holes, though? How do you get it stable?

You shake it.

And just as you shake sand, your life must be shaken from time to time. Every religion since the dawn of man teaches this basic lesson, and yet so many of us forget it.

Go out and fail today. You’ll be better for it. You’ll learn from it.

Then comes the real challenge: Love yourself for failing.

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Unfortunately, there are some people around who are toxic. Many of us end up befriending a toxic person at one time or another, even going so far as to marry them occasionally. They usually cannot tell that they are negatively affecting those around them. Rarely, people will call them on their behaviors and effect a positive change. Most of the time, however, they will continue living without a clue as to how badly they are acting.

If you are concerned you may be a toxic friend, then this is the guide to read. I will talk about how to tell if you are toxic and also how to change.

Let’s begin with a definition. A toxic friend is one who drags down the people around them. They act negatively, and cause others to follow their behaviors. They are those who feel like psychic vampires: sucking the energy out of the room, they manage to bring down those around them.

Are you a toxic friend?

Do you…

• Judge others constantly, always assessing them as beneath you, including your friends?
• See the worst in others and fail to see any good whatsoever?
• Talk down yourself in the hopes others will give you positive attention?
• Manipulate others into doing actions they would not normally do, that will ultimately hurt them directly or indirectly?
• Hurt others by criticizing them, without providing a constructive reason for it?

If you answered yes to two or more of these, you may be a toxic friend.

How to change

If you have been ruled toxic by your own admittance, you have already complete the first step: awareness. You have now become aware of your own actions. Carry this step onward with you. Every time you do something, ask yourself something: Am I hurting somebody by doing this? If the answer is yes, I advise not doing it.

Another requirement to creating a change is to make a conscious effort to do something differently. That’s what change is: doing something differently. Commit yourself to becoming a better friend: one who will support others, be a positive influence, and live according to guiding principles that lead to a happy and kind life.

Always try to do for others what you want them to do for you. Never become greedy or manipulative. Periodically, review what you have done for others over the last week, month, or year. Ask yourself if you have given as much as you have taken. If you have, then you are on the right track. Become more selfless, although getting a benefit from altruistic actions is perfectly acceptable.

Once you have become aware and work on changing your actions, I guarantee you will see a positive change in your life. Others will begin to respect and enjoy being around you. They will know that you are looking out for their best interests. You will become a better person.

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Dedication

It takes dedication to be a balanced person. When obstacles come, one must keep persevering no matter what happens. One must know where he or she is heading, know why he or she is heading there, and how to get there.

Motivation

To reach this goal, one must be able to continue along the path at all times. No breaks and no exceptions.

Help

Regardless of how well-off one is, at some time, we all need help, whether from another person or not. We must know where to look for it and how to accept it, or else we will fail. Also required is the knowledge and ability to decide which person to select for help, and who is trustworthy enough.

Set the goal to be balanced, take the right steps toward it, and you will eventually get there. Whether or not you think you can, you are right. And no matter what happens, I want you all to continue along your paths, even if it hurts.

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In adopting a new lifestyle, we also shed old activities and adopt new ones. Taking from Stephen Covey’s self-help series, I am here to address the six habits of balanced people – what they do daily to strive for their goals and maintain a happy and healthy life.

They plan ahead

Balanced people know where they are going and where they have come from. They can tell you where they will be in twenty years with the strongest conviction you have ever seen. They have goals and everything they do is a step toward one or another.

They are motivated

They know where to find motivation and how important it is to their success. They never have writers’ block because they can write about anything and everything. They want to succeed and they do, because they have the skills and knowledge necessary to accomplish anything. Those they do not already possess they will learn.

They learn daily

They are constantly on a question for personal development and growth and every day, they accomplish or work on mastering something, even if it’s as small as plucking a few keys on the piano. They keep moving because they know idle hands are not productive. Even their down time means something to them, keeping busy by being laid back and calming down after a long working period.

They are patient

They know that good things come to those who work and wait. They strive for goals, but they know that instant gratification is only another way to become a glutton. You can throw any wait at them and there they will sit, perhaps accomplishing something or another in the mean time, perhaps meditating. Either way, they can and will wait for anything good to come.

They work while they wait

Whether waiting for a bus or waiting for an opportunity to open, they know there are things to be accomplished. They work on these things while they wait patiently for whatever it is they need to move along to the next step. Balanced, successful people are those you see reading books at bus stops, organizing the kitchen while they bake, and meditating when the electricity goes out.

They are organized

Not only are their homes simple and free of clutter, but their minds are, as well. They do everything with a purpose and ensure their steps are always in the right direction. Remember: reaching success is not about who takes the most steps, but rather who steps with the most accuracy.

While not everybody will reach a balanced lifestyle – few people will ever even try with reasonable effort – many can learn from those who set a positive example. It is possible to learn by observation, and that is what should be done in this situation. You do not have to seek out a Yogi, but do have a few positive examples in your life of how you want to live. Good luck, as always.

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The short answer, in my opinion, is possibly yes. I do not think people of any particular religion would be unable to live balanced lives, but I do think certain religions emphasize it more than others, which means Christians may go their entire lives without even realizing the necessity or blessing of it.

Meanwhile, Buddhism very much emphasizes everything being in moderation and the dangers of having anything out of whack – it leads to trouble and suffering. So while a Christian may have just as easy a time, they may never know it exists.

But for somebody who knows what balance means and is struggling to reach it, I do not think religion has an effect. Perhaps some teachings would be especially helpful, but they are common to all religions, like many other things.

Do you think religion matters when you are trying to reach Enlightenment? We all have different words for it and different ideas of how to get there, but I think it is meant to be different for all – the state of unconditional joy is a reachable goal for all, not just those who receive happiness from certain things.

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According to popular psychology, there are nine types of intelligence and people can be people-smart, music-smart, language-smart, and more. In Ancient Greece, people commonly learned everything from philosophy to exercise. Any businessperson will tell you EQ is just as important as IQ for networking. But what are the nine types of intelligence, and how do they fit with everything in the scope of a balanced life? Find out more after the jump.

Naturalist intelligence

The first type of intelligence is that having to do with nature. This doesn’t necessarily mean hippies living in communes to save the whales. Rather, it has to do with the ability to discern among things in the environment. A person with a naturalist intelligence has a strong intuition and is typically judgmental. They sense danger.

A person with this kind of intuition can tell when things are not quite right, which means they have a special gift for balance: they know when changes must be made, and often what those changes are.

Musical intelligence

The second type of intelligence is of a musical nature. These folks can read things like tone and rhythm. They can hear things other do not recognize or process. Their gift comes with metabolism and sleeping patterns; if their bodies get out of whack, they know, as nature can be explained by a series of patterns and numbers. They are also typically quite good at math.

Logical-Mathematical intelligence

The third type is in analytical and critical thinking. These people read relationships between two things very well, but are born with the inherent knowledge that correlation does not prove causation. They are logical, smart, and very critical of facts and figures. They will rarely lose power to their emotions, rather yielding to the powerful logic that drives them.

Existential intelligence

Fourth, like Kierkegaard, these folks can question everything, even down to the fundamental meaning of human existence. They know what balance truly is, why they should or should not strive for it, and can out-talk anybody. They are, unfortunately, often negative.

Interpersonal intelligence

Perhaps the most relevant blessing to a businessperson is the fifth type, interpersonal intelligence, which allows a person to engage with and relate to just about anybody. These people can read emotions and fake them, talk for miles and ask a question for every answer, and sell icicles to Eskimos. They also typically know themselves by getting to know others, and can often tell you why they are doing anything and then convince you to “do as I say, not as I do.”

Bodily-Kinesthetic intelligence

These sixth-type people are the ones you will find with impeccable balance and perfect strength. They know nutrition, have a strong desire to exercise, and can tell you five ways to do the perfect push-up. They can manipulate any physical object and are excellent with their hands. While they have physical balance, their lives can become out of whack if they do not get the exercise they need.

Linguistic intelligence

The seventh type of intelligence is that of words and language. Often excellent writers, linguistic-gifted folks have the talent of understanding and explaining even the most complex things through words. This is the most common type of intelligence.

Spatial intelligence

The eighth type of person is gifted with the ability to think in three dimensions. They can be great engineers, an often high-paying job, in which they will rarely worry about money, which can be a major hindrance to living a happy and fulfilling life.

Intrapersonal intelligence

Finally, intrapersonal intelligence is the ability of knowing oneself. It is the most important gift to have in a balanced life, because it tells you when something is wrong and what needs to happen. Often, this talent brings on shyness or quietness, with hours spent introspectively analyzing every detail of oneself.

Applications

The types of intelligence are not exclusive, and one can be gifted in many ways. Indeed, according to the Greeks, we are meant to strive to cover all areas equally. While some may come naturally, others will, of course, be a struggle which feels like an uphill battle at times. Not to worry, though. Balance is not meant to be an end, but rather a journey. All that matters at the end is that you have tried to keep positive, engaged, and fulfilled, and grown every step along the way.

What are your natural strengths? How have you used them to save yourself work along your path of achieving healthy, balanced living? Share in the comments below.

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Image by Pink Sherbet Photography via Flickr

The main goal of this blog is to teach small business owners working from home and college students alike the art of living balanced lives. Personally, I define living balanced as being happy with progress and continuing personal growth without limiting or becoming obsessed with professional growth.

A balanced person is automatically a true Renaissance man or woman: art, history, literature, science, and mathematics are an important part of life on a daily basis, though not necessarily in traditional forms. Balancing a checkbook counts as math, for example, and reading the news will suffice for historic value.

Balance is less affected by what you do and more by how you do it. A balanced person knows the secret of all things in moderation and can tell you anything you want to know, both tactfully and honestly.

A balanced person is miles closer to Enlightenment, Nirvana, or Heaven, or whatever you wish to call it, than all others, because he or she knows where to look while we stumble around confused and misguided.

And that is why I strive every day to live a balanced life. With balance comes fulfillment. With fulfillment comes happiness. With happiness comes progress. With progress comes inspiration. And, finally, with inspiration comes balance.

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